March 30th

One year. It’s been one year since my son, my first born, the man that was first to teach me unconditional love, lost his grandfather. His papa was his pal, buddy and best friend. Even when my son’s father went MIA, his papa was there to be his role model. The bond they shared even when he was nestled safely in my womb was palpable. “It’s gonna be a boy and I’m gonna take him fishing”, he would tell me with certainty even though we did not find out the gender. He took me out to dinner the night before my son’s arrival and told me, “You’re going in to labor at 3:15 in the morning”. (I was 2 days over due and just assumed he was just as anxious as I was.) I woke up in a sweat, nauseous, cursing my father in law, thinking I had food poisoning. I looked at the clock after I got back from the bathroom to see it said 3:18 am. Chills. From the sickness? In that moment, I thought yes. We rushed to the hospital and after 3 shorts hours, I was holding my baby boy. I could feel his papa outside my room, pacing, anxiously waiting to hear a cry. I told my ex to tell his dad “It’s a boy, It’s a boy!” The bond was as instant as I knew it would be. That man you would have guessed was mean and hard as stone, melted when he held his first born grandchild.

In January my son turned 13. The first birthday without his papa, his pal, his buddy and best friend. My heart hurts. I have cleaned and bandaged the boo-boos, I’ve been able to hug away the heart break from his first love, but this. This I can’t heal. This pain I can’t bandage, this pain I can only temporarily hug away. I can see he feels empty and lost and broken. As a parent, I’d shoulder all the pain if I was able, shelter him from having to personally know loss.

But, on the flip-side, in order to feel that intense amount of loss, you have to know an equally intense amount of love. And so is the feeling of loss worth it? Would you go through the heartache, the emptiness or the despair of losing someone if you knew you would never feel that kind of love? He got 12 good years with his grandfather. Even though it was not nearly long enough for my boy, he will cherish those years and know in certainty, that he was loved. Unconditionally. It’s been one year.